Failing Forward: Month Three

March Edition

This month, more so than the previous two, feels the most “failure-like.” But not in the sense that I failed at a crap ton of new things, but more so failing at doing any new things at all. In the “we’re back in the thick of it, more so grinding” work mentality, I feel like I didn’t actively take any steps to try something outside my comfort zone. I’m trying to give myself grace and space – but my inner critic today is holding some judgment. Rationalizing feels like I’m making excuses, even though my logical brain knows it’s just context. My emotional brain is using “should” and “could,” words my therapist and I have defined simply as “unhelpful.” “You should have been able to carve one hour to try a new art medium,” and “You could have made one new recipe, at least.”

But as I’m sitting here, kind of spiraling a little bit through this, I’m recognizing what an opportunity this is. An opportunity to cope and work through the scariest part of this challenge – the fear that I won’t be able to do it (which feels SO silly to type because the whole point of this was to fail, lol). Sitting in the uncomfortability that is this “not enough feeling” and diving into the layers behind it. Maybe it’s the bigger picture of it that feels so scary. Feeling like I’m not living up to my word or to my own expectations. Maybe a bit of it is because it’s only the third month of the year, and according to my inner critic, that’s way too soon to have failed at the concept of this resolution…

I did try some new-ish things, yet they don’t feel as grand as some of the things I have been trying. Hubs and I took one of our longest trips to date where I tried a tad bit of remote working for the first time. However, our flight was pushed an entire day, so I used that “first day off” to get most of the work I was going to do accomplished. So that doesn’t really feel like I met the bar. We tried skiing at a new place and tried new trails from the mountain we’ve already done once before – but it’s not like we went from intermediates to black diamonds, we stayed on the same types of trails. Half of my brain wants to celebrate these little victories; the other half wants to acknowledge, judge a little, and figure out how I can fail even more fantastically next month because I NEED to make up for this one.

It sometimes feels very silly to live with my brain…

And I know this line of thinking is literally the opposite of what I’ve been working through. Celebrating the small wins. Knowing my true best is enough. That I literally don’t have to prove anything to anyone in order to be happy with my own life. So I guess this is the growing part. Sitting in the uncomfortable feelings yet holding space for what I can. Knowing I worked my butt off these last 31 days, but I also took time for myself, my extended family, and my friends. Maybe that's actually the messy fail of the month. I’ve been telling myself I need to be more accountable with the people I care about most. I’m very aware I can be a very “out of sight, out of mind” type of person - but I also think I’m just a low-maintenance friend. Most of my friendships are those “low maintenance types,” and I love that about them. It’s nice to be able to go through stretches of time but then come back together as if time hasn’t truly changed that much. And not in the sense that we revert to those previous stages of life and time hasn’t changed, but rather because these friends are growing in the same direction as me. I imagine the moving staircases at Hogwarts and meeting up with these friends randomly trying to get to class - even though the stairs change and move, and you can’t really get to the same place in the same way twice, you end up crossing paths every so often and find you’re going through the same things. I’m making small and bigger plans and actively engaging in them and I truly am proud of myself for that. (To be vulnerable, something not a lot of people know about me is that friendships are my biggest insecurity, as until recently, I felt I wasn’t enough as I was to be friends with just as I was. I think that’s why I leaned into creativity and making things as a kid/young adult. A sh*t ton of bullying didn’t help either, but that’s a blog for a different day.)

To wrap this one up, I want to end by saying that you and I are enough just for being. And yes, while I’m typing this for anyone who reads this, this is also for my own brain. You are enough just for being. You don’t always have to make the thing, reach the goal, be productive, insert verb phrase here in order to be loved or have value. You are worthy of friendship and kindness simply because you exist. I’m choosing to believe it’s how we reflect that love back out that helps us find our way.

It’s okay if you didn’t hit a target or goal this month. It’s okay if you didn’t do anything at all.
We can always try again tomorrow. That’s the point, right? Get back up and try again.

Love always and always failing forward,